Once a month,
I have a staff meeting to keep this train
from going off the rails. Uh, CEOs, please watch my video -and learn how to deal
with people. -SARA: Oh. -(door opens)
-(Spade sighs) Oh, my God, you didn’t have
to get a throne for this. This is so embarrassing. -We can, um, change it.
-No, it’s fine. Okay, gang, the show has been on
for over a month, so I wanted to address
some staff issues. First off,
I’ll be personally overseeing employee drug testing. So take your drugs, drop them off at my office, and I will test them
to see if they’re primo or if they’re
some stepped-on bullshit. I got a real…
(sniffs) nose for news.
(chuckles) A lot of you have been
leaving work without permission, especially between midnight
and 6:00 a.m. I didn’t pay to you sleep. Moving on to dress code,
Bobby, you’re no longer allowed to ask people
to take off their shoes -before they go
into your office. -Ooh. Actually, that’s, um,
an Asian culture thing, so we can’t tell him
to not do that. It’s not an Asian thing.
I have crippling OCD. OCD. Is that the chemical
you put in your food that gives me cramps
and headaches? -Not cool.
-You know what’s not cool? Someone’s been pranking me
and replacing all my pants with ones that are
a little tighter every week. I will find the culprit. By the way, that reminds me.
Heather! Can I get another milkshake? And another thing.
I notice some of you have been writing yourselves
into sketches lately. This is embarrassing,
and it’s shameless. You know,
this didn’t happen on SNL. When I was on SNL, oh,
those were the good old days. SNL. SNL. SNL.
Lorne, Lorne, Lorne. Adam Sandler.
Sketches, sketches. Read-through was nine hours. 11:30. Live from New York. Maybe you’ve heard of him.
Dennis Miller. Sinead O’Connor
said to me one night… Tom Hanks. Chris Rock. We wrote our own sketches. And we liked it! (hoots) -Ooh, Heather,
is that my milkshake? -Sorry. -Excuse me.
-Ga-ga-ga-ga-goo-goo. -Oh, sorry.
Mmm, mmm, mmm. HEATHER:
Scuse me, I have a question. I’m your assistant, but Glenn
keeps playing me on the show. It’s complicated, Heather.
Are you in SAG? -No. -It’s not that complicated.
Get another one of these ready. Maybe a donut,
the kind with the sprinkles. Hi. Uh, yeah,
I wanted to bring something up. I saw Jon Lovitz rummaging
through our garbage again. I honestly don’t think he’s left since the last time
he did the show. Well, that’ll happen
if you feed him. Tell him the crew lunch
is vegan. Guess what, you’ll never see him
again. (chuckles) Hello, David. No. Bad Jon Lovitz. -Be gone!
-When I was on SNL… No! This shit works. Yes. I know, like,
a lot’s going on right now, but I… I think I’m pregnant. Eek. -(coughs)
-JOHN: Who’s pregnant? Hey. Johnny the P.A., listen, I had 100 Viagras in my desk,
and now there’s 99. Did you take one? Uh, I thought
those were vitamins. They are.
They’re boner vitamins. I know.
(chuckles) I’m a grower, not a shower. (chuckles) You want to see? -No. -No. -No.
-Yeah. I mean no. It’s gonna be fine. No, it’s not, David. Guys, one final thing. Bathroom policy, remember, if it’s yellow,
let it mellow. If it’s brown,
march over to Crank Yankers– it’s right there– and take a
dump in one of their bathrooms. You got it? Everybody out. Go, go, go! (chuckles)
You can stay. -Hyah!
-Um, I think my water broke. Oh, I’m sure it’s just pee. -Go, go, go.
-(coughing) You go, too.
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