Kylie Jenner is Playing an Important Role During the Pandemic – Lights Out Lo-Fi Monologue: 3.20.20

Kylie Jenner is Playing an Important Role During the Pandemic – Lights Out Lo-Fi Monologue: 3.20.20


– It’s Friday, guys! I would love an
update on Tom Hanks. I don’t mean hourly,
I mean minutely. I mean, it’s literally
like huge chunks of time. I wanna know what’s
happening, where’s Rita? What are you doing,
are you having fun? Tom Hanks is tough, and I
think if he pulls through, I’m gonna breathe a sigh of
relief, and I think he will. ♪ He’s my boy ♪ Also, best joke yesterday on the comments on “Lights Out” was, oh, Glenn
Close, whodathunk? And then second was COVID-19.
(woman giggling) Which makes me laugh. And then the Queen
going, “Er-err!” I also wanna say, quickly, shout-out to the wet markets,
(laughs) meaning, shut down. The wet markets in China,
you know what they are? It must be pandemonium
there, but they’re not, I don’t think they’re
doing anything about them. You know guys are
still walkin’ up, “Can I grab a cobra sandwich?” “Nah, you know,
the heat’s on us. “We gotta sorta shh a couple
days, a lot of flack worldwide, “so we’re gonna kinda, mm, I
can get you some rat soup.” “No bat soup?” “What’d I just say? “You want rat soup or not?” (sighs) “Yes.” All right, we’re gonna get
into the monologue, here we go. Today is Spike
Lee’s 63rd birthday. Hopefully his wife lets him
go in the private entrance. Hang on.
(sheep bleats) Okay.
(people laughing) Fiona Apple said
she quit cocaine after a bad night with
Quentin Tarantino. Tarantino responded, (chuckles) “I wasn’t on
cocaine, I’m chatty! “That’s how I talk,
va-va-va-va-va-va-va, ching! “Va-va-va-va-va-va-va, ching! “I don’t need no talk chalk! “I like to blab.” She said if it wasn’t coke, it was a fuckin’
blabalanche income saver. A Las Vegas strip
club is offering drive-through peep service. The only good news is, they
give you extra napkins. ♪ Wee-ooh-eet ♪ (toy cat-calling)
No, that’s stupid. (laughs) That one makes sense.
(whistles cat-call) ♪ Boi-oi-oi-oi ♪ Napkins, gross, NSFW! The Surgeon General
has asked Kylie Jenner, I love that they’re talking, what, are they on
Snapchat together? The Surgeon General
asked Kylie to convince young people to practice
social distancing. When Kylie asked what
that was, he said, “You know that thing you
did when Jordyn Woods “cheated on your sister
Khloe’s guy Tristan, “and then everyone was mad and
then you sort of iced him?” And she was like, “Oh, yes. “Yes, (chuckles) okay.” No, I don’t get it. But the government has
agreed to reward her by making her Surgeon
Plastic General, ho-ho! (toy horn honking) (fingers scratching) “Eh, don’t touch your neck!” They didn’t say the neck!
(woman laughing) Johnny Depp sold his beautiful
41-acre farm in Kentucky. Times are tough, so he
knew he had to either sell his horse farm or his
three million skull rings, and that is a tough call. I’ve had to make that one. But no one’s touching
his winery in France. I mean, if push comes to shove. But honestly, his
platinum-covered bowling balls are off limits. “I mean, that is
the last to go,” he said, and I quote. (whistles) Hot Topic is closing
all stores due to, you know what, COVID-19. Their clientele
was heard shouting, “Are you happy now,
Dad, are you happy?” Slamming the doors, going,
“I hate you, Hot Topic! “And I hate my scrunchy,
it’s too tight!” Uber is working on a
deal with the government to deliver corona tests. They’re just trying to
work out how to prevent getting false positives
from all the germs in the backset, yee. All kidding aside, it is
a rough ride, literally, and, mm, I don’t
know if it’s both. Police have been
told not to arrest prostitutes during the outbreak. So I guess the safest jobs
right now are hand, foot, ♪ And blow (whistles cat-call) ♪ I’ll do it for you.
(toy cat-calling) You can do it, too.
(woman giggling) Apparently there is a
butthole cut of “Cats,” we discussed yesterday, where the cat costumes
have real B-holes. I’m not sure why I
wanna see this version. I can’t quite put
my finger in it. (woman giggling) ♪ Do-doodle-oo,
doodle-oo, doodle-oo ♪ Oh, little Joe Dirt
passed out on that one! (people laughing)
All right, thank you!

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