Jokes That Didn’t Make It: Bunker Edition – Lights Out With David Spade

Jokes That Didn’t Make It: Bunker Edition – Lights Out With David Spade


– Jokes that didn’t make
it, From The Bunker edition. I just saw a couple of snails, and they were like,
trying to be extra quiet. I’m like, “I can’t
hear you anyway” and they’re like, “You
don’t need a crowd in there “for your shit” and I was like, “No”. And they’re like, oh
back into the bushes. 58 year old singer,
Susan Boyle revealed it’s been six years since
she last went on a date. 58 years if you
don’t count her lies. Mean (coughs), that’s
why we didn’t do it. Macaulay Culkin admitted
that he auditioned for “Once Upon a Time in
Hollywood” and it went terribly. Not as bad as the
time he auditioned for “12 Years a Slave” and made a bold choice
with the makeup. Did not pay off. Bold choice. Use your imagination. A flat earther died
after launching himself in a rocket to prove
the Earth was flat. Good news, it isn’t. Bad news, he is. It’s sort of an
older joke, (laughs) I remember that story it
was out about a month ago. These are ones that
didn’t make it. Used a pen this time. For the first time,
scientists have taught a robot how to feel pain. When scientists
do it, it’s news. When I do it, my meet and greet with Steven Hawking
is cut short. Hey what happens when
you press this (buzzing)? Scientists have designed the first robot capable
of feeling pain. Their process was to date Alexa, then cheat on her with Siri. (dings) They should just try to
get a threesome going and get ’em all getting
along, you know? That’s what I’d do. (crunching) I’m not gonna fully
crumple that one. Harvey Weinstein’s ex-wife
is now in a relationship with actor, Adrian Brody. She said, “So this
is what handsome and
no power feels like. “Okay, I don’t hate it.” YouPorn is launching it’s
own TikTok-style app. It’s already let kids to the
jizz in your own eye challenge. I couldn’t even
say it. (laughing) This one’s NSFW. Snooki revealed that filming
Jersey Shore gave her anxiety. You know watching a five
foot two woman get punched in the face by guidos gave
me a little anxiety myself. (crunching) Shoving her in the dryer. Scientists have discovered a tiny moon orbiting
around the Earth. It’s about 10 feet across and was trapped by the
Earth’s much larger gravity. So Earth has it’s
own Scott Disick. I didn’t do this cause
it was too dense, I couldn’t even follow it. I don’t like science stories. Woody Allen’s memoir. Is that how you say it? Memoir, is set to
come out in April. Word is, he’ll use this
opportunity to confess all of his crimes to a place where
no one will ever see them. A book in 2020. I’m gonna be doing a lot of
reading while I’m quarantined. I might wax the underside
of my car, I do, I do that. I might wax me nut sack. TripAdvisor has announced
their best beach in the world, as Brazil’s Baia do Sancho. Coming in last place again,
Man Gunt, North Carolina. If you don’t know what a
gunt is, don’t look it up. (crunching) Speaking of Trip Advisor
like no one’s bought this. Oh this is fun. Lil Baby and Lil
Wayne are teaming up. Which is actually hip hop music, even though it
sounds like the plot of a “Little Rascals” episode. Parents in England let
their 11 year old son drive a car so he’d stop
playing Grand Theft Auto. They said, “10
minutes in the car “and you can murder one hooker “but then it’s off
to bed, mister. “One!” Starbucks debuted it’s spring
menu with two new ice drinks, pineapple matcha
and golden ginger. If you missed them,
you can catch them on the next season of
“Ru Paul’s Drag Race”. Pineapple matcha, golden ginger. Two finalists. Pregnant Katy Perry revealed
she wants to have a girl. She says it’ll be more
fun empowering a girl than training a boy
to hate himself. That one makes me a little
itchy cause it’s heavy. It’s heavy. And E3 video game conference
was canceled due to all this. Gamers were all
like, “Oh thank god, “we almost had to go outside. “What’s it like out there, papa? “Tell me about the trees again.” Xbox Live is down
during the quarantine and people are freaking out. Fortunately, some teenage
boys are giving back by driving door to
door and yelling, “You’re so gay” to strangers. Instead of doing it online. (crunching) All right, we did it, man. Thanks for watching
In The Bunker. And this is my hair half done. It’s gonna get worse every day. No makeup. Like remember in “RoboCop”? We didn’t see it! We’re young. Jesus, all right. I mean, watch it on VCR. Bye!

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