Bachelor in Paradise
is over now, and I think
it was our best season yet. I say “our,” because
I did a little moonlighting over the summer
on the Bach in Paradise, and, uh, I told everyone
on the show what to do. Here we go again.
Here’s a funny video. -♪ ♪
-(whooshing) (static) MAN (on TV):
Last night, I couldn’t sleep. WOMAN (on TV):
Mm-hmm. I just wanted
to recap some of the things. -So, today is a new day.
-Aw. -Cam, what’s with the poem?
-And… SPADE: Cam, your (bleep)
blocking yourself, buddy. Do you hear the sound
of dryness? That’s your coochie drying up. There’s no liquid down there. Her inner monologue is like,
“Did I leave my scrunchie in the bamboo hut? I couldn’t
find it this morning.” She doesn’t care. When did Cam become so
un (bleep)? He was born that way. This guy couldn’t get laid
by a monkey in a whorehouse
with a bag of bananas. JPJ. Eat the taco. I know you don’t want to.
One bite. SPADE:
It’s not gonna kill you. -Mmm.
-It’s kind of spicy, though. (coughing, gagging) -He’s freaking out.
-JANE: What’s going on? -(coughing, gagging)
-SPADE: JPJ. Come on, guy. I’m really sorry, Jane. He can’t barf anymore. -(retching)
-Oh, my God, right? He’s still barfing. What did he have–
one bite of a taco? He’s, uh, making room
for pussy. SPADE: All right, say something
that makes absolutely no sense. Go. -And, like, you’re a pigeon,
we’re seagulls. -Mm-hmm. SPADE:
Okay, get real sloppy here. I’m not gonna cry. Yes. More. Like that. -Keep going.
All right, Blake. Cry so hard it makes us want
to punch you in the face. -(bleep) -You’ve had sex
with seven women. -(sniffles)
-Everyone hates you. It’s just, like,
this is real life. That’s good.
How long should we make him cry? For a while, huh? Too long. SPADE:
Go too long with this, Blake. (crackling) Do you know how to work these? Oh, wait, I can. SPADE:
These two are locked in. All right, you were a monster,
now you’re the crybaby. And… cry, cry, cry, cry, cry… -(snaps fingers)
-stop. I like it. Whoo! That’s a wrap. I’ll race you to the taco truck. (Spade laughs, whoops)
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